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The Grief of Getting Old

2012-05-16T18:50:04Z

My blogs are often inspired by the real people I work with or have worked with in my practice. An issue that presents itself frequently with many people is the grief that comes with aging. Yes, we know it is inevitable, but that doesn’t change how difficult this process is. Aging involves a grief process on many levels. As you get older, so do your family members and friends. Deaths start to occur with more frequency as your family members and friends become older or physically ill. Losses associated with retirement, such as loss of purpose or identity, loss of income or decrease in income, loss of socialization with co-workers, and loss of something to do each day weigh heavily upon people. The inability to retain information in the same way or to take more time to do things creeps up slowly on many people and the grief of recognizing this and experiencing this can be heartbreaking. Eventually, people begin to lose their independence and autonomy. They are no longer permitted to drive or to make important decisions that effect the family, medical personnel often ask adult children or others if the person is following directions and eating or taking medications as prescribed, the person reverts back to being the cared for instead of the care provider. How can anyone thrive within this type of decelerating environment? While the answer to this question is very much unique to the person, the focus usually lies within taking back whatever control you can. Learning and utilizing techniques to effectively manage loss of memory such as note taking or recording messages for yourself are beneficial. Make decisions whenever possible, even if those decisions seem small to others – such as picking which foods to have for lunch or which driving route you want someone to follow. Finally, a highly regarded way to have some control even far progressed into the aging process is the remembering and retelling of your life story. Documenting who you are, what you feel you have contributed to this world, and what should be remembered and carried on someday is revitalizing. This process is remarkably beneficial within the setting of therapy as the feelings and emotions of your life’s story may be more powerful than anticipated. Ultimately, the grief that comes with the aging process is for some quite difficult to work through. But rely on the tools in your toolkit that you’ve acquired during your years – seek support, be patient with yourself, and let your voice be heard.

Just because I can carve a mean turkey at Thanksgiving…

2012-05-02T17:09:10Z

…doesn’t mean that I can do surgery (paraphrase of a quote from the brilliant Dr. William Worden)

What is the significance of finding a specialist? First of all, I want to thank a few people for inspiring this blog post – obviously, Dr. Worden for a wonderfully illustrative analogy, and also the Cancer Wellness Group that I am honored to facilitate at Gilda’s Club for discussing this topic frequently. The consensus seems to be that while a generalist may be great, when the going gets really tough, the specialists who focus all of their time and energy on being the most educated and up to date for a very focused area of expertise have an advantage in knowing the most detailed current information as opposed to a moderate amount about many different things. Specializing as a grief and loss therapist allows me this advantage. I am an active member of ADEC (Association of Death Education and Counseling) and also keep current on information concerning loss of health, particularly due to cancer. Loss has a broader reach of course. I do work with people who have losses of self esteem, employment, and other difficult changes in their lives. However, when someone comes to me seeking therapy for a specific issue that is outside of the scope of my focus, I make a referral. People have to be their own advocates, they have to evaluate if their needs are being met or if they need to seek services from a specialist. In order to be able to assess this, people must be aware of the existence of specialists within a particular field. My specialty as a grief and loss therapist is a culmination of my experience from my clients, my active participation in focused organizations, and my continued and never ending education from other professionals as well as from the individuals I work with, to whom I am eternally grateful.

"What was I saying?"

2012-04-25T19:59:31Z

Difficulties in concentration during times of loss can be incredibly difficult for some people to manage. People experiencing any type of loss may have this concern - bereavement, loss of health due to chronic or terminal illness, loss of employment, loss of a relationship to name a few. Difficulty in concentration often results in forgetfulness. While forgetting your keys, or appointment times, or people’s names may, to some, seem trivial, for a person who is emotionally distraught and already sensitive to strain and stress, seemingly trivial things very quickly add up. Many people who I work with are distressed by their inability to remember to take care of the things they so easily used to take care of. The negativity that can generate from this causes some people to not want to engage in social or work settings out of fear that people will think that they are not coping well. There is much more to coping than this. However, people want their lives as predictable as possible during a time when control is often out the window. The most important thing to remember is that you must be patient. Time is a factor here. So are learning new skills or bringing back skills that worked in the past. If you have come to a point where it is understood that you are not remembering things well, take steps to make life easier. This does not signify weakness, in fact, it is quite the opposite. A person capable of utilizing their resources and skills is someone with great strength. So what does this mean? Buy a calendar and a note pad or use electronic versions of both. Write down dates, times, appointments, to do lists, and make sticky notes of everything that is important for you to remember. Have a list by the front door of things to check before leaving the house – is the coffee pot off, did I take my cell phone, remember to lock the front door. In your notepad or in a note taking app, make a list of important or new people, where you met them, what they look like. By taking some extra time to put information down on paper, you will save time and frustration caused by forgetfulness and a lack of concentration. Be kind to yourself and try to make life as simple as possible because grieving loss, no matter what type of loss, is hard work.

Test Your Self Guided Imagery Skills

2012-04-18T20:27:00Z

It is an incredible experience to be taken on a journey by someone with a slow melodic soothing voice, to experience guided imagery and meditation, but you can also practice guided imagery on your own. When you are having a particularly tense or stressful moment, try this self guided imagery as a template (or you can create anything your imagination allows) and please feel free to leave feedback about your experience in the comment section below this blog post.

Get into a comfortable position on a chair, bed, floor, outside, wherever really as long as you're not driving a car. Close your eyes and concentrate on being mindful of your self and your body. Slowly focus on relaxing every part of your body - begin with your feet, then ankles, then calves, and so on until you reach the face (spend a good bit of time focusing on relaxing each part seperately - chin, mouth, tongue, cheeks, eyes, brow, etc), and finally to the top of your head. When you feel fully relaxed and sort of in a half sleep type of state, allow your mind to be a solid colored canvas (black, white, orange, pink, any color at all). Then imagine seeing your hands lift up in front of you. In one hand is a lemon. Take your time noticing the color, the texture - is it bumpy, is it smooth. Then slowly visualize your other hand begin to twist the lemon in half (ah! our lemon is pre-cut!). Notice the smell, the mist of juice as it pulls apart. Go slowly and allow yourself to fully enjoy this lemon. Then take your lemon halves and walk outside. Plant your lemon halves in the ground (whatever type of ground that may be - grass, dirt, sand, any type of ground that you imagine) and watch as a small plant springs from the ground. This plant may stay small or it may grow to be a tree. Enjoy some time seeing what you have created. After spending some time in the company of your creation and when you feel you are ready, begin to slowly wiggle your toes and your fingers. Then move your arms and legs, stretch really well, and open your eyes. How do you feel?

Rotary Weston Article

2012-04-10T17:32:17Z

Thank you Rotary Weston for a well written article and for allowing me to speak with your members about helping a grieving friend. Click here to view article

Thank You

2012-04-10T13:16:06Z

I was asked yesterday - Why do you do this work? Doesn’t it make you sad? People ask these questions often, but my answer remains the same – I am so grateful for the work that I do. I am privileged to share in people’s lives, to be trusted with their stories, and to walk beside them as they find the change they seek in their lives. Yes, there are stories that are shared with me that are sad, but ultimately, I have the honor of not only watching the very same people find new meaning for their lives, but to also learn and grow from them myself. I am reminded of how precious life is everyday, to cherish my family and friends because life is very short and sometimes unfair. Every individual person is the expert of their own situation and of their own lives. I suggest possibilities for achieving what they hope to achieve, but it is the person who must choose the path best suited for them. I am thankful that this work chose me and that I enjoy helping people learn how best to help themselves. So thank you to all of the people I have had the honor of working with and to those I will work with in the future. I am appreciative for every one of you and the lessons and skills you have taught me.

ADEC Conference 2012

2012-04-04T20:25:04Z

ADEC is the Association for Death Education and Counseling. Attendance at the conference provides me with the opportunity to stay current on death, dying, and bereavement counseling and therapy skills as well as network with the most celebrated professionals in academics and in practice related to this field. I am grateful for the opportunity to learn, grow, and share my own professional knowledge each year at this conference. Thank you to all of the attendees and presenters for another amazing year!

Take a Time Out!

2012-01-05T03:08:41Z

“I get so mad at him and then we both start screaming, say things we don’t mean, and never solve the problem that got us to that point in the first place.” I hear this barrier to communication regularly from people who I work with. When two people are caught up in proving that they are right, to the extent that they become heated, no one hears the other person’s perspective, nor do they effectively communicate their own point of view. So what do you do? Give yourself, and the other person, a time out – take a walk, go in separate rooms, whatever gives you both time to cool off and think before you engage with one another (although I wouldn’t recommend driving!). This amount of time will vary depending on the people involved and the intensity of the issue causing the disagreement. Have a code word when you feel a conversation is escalating beyond a manageable level and respect that code word if the other person calls it, even if you don’t agree. Then take the time apart to reflect on what specifically you want to express to the other person. Figure out what pieces of your position are fairly rigid and what pieces may be flexible. When you both have settled down and you are ready to discuss the issue, truly listen to what the other person has to say. Don’t plan what you will say next when the other person is talking. Acknowledge elements that you do agree with and wait until the other person finishes their point before making yours. Many disagreements are best solved by meeting somewhere in the middle. It is less common for one person to be completely right and the other to be totally wrong.

The practice of taking a time out works not only in conflict between two adults, but is also effective for parents when they are having a problem communicating a difference of opinion without escalating with their children. I have seen this process work with children as young as three years old all the way up to adult children who are having disagreements with their elderly parents. It is an excellent example for a child or teen to see their parent control their anger and frustration by taking the time to separate for a moment, organize their thoughts, then be able to listen to their child’s perspective of the situation and effectively communicate their own perspective. With children, the parent’s time out does not necessarily have to be a physical separation. If a parent needs a minute to avoid losing control and escalating, they can have a process that is explained the child during a non-conflictual time where the child will know that when the parent says they need a time-out, or any other phrase they choose to call it (I worked with one Mother who called this time a “Mommy Minute”), that the child will need to refrain from engaging with or speaking to the parent until the parent says they are ready to continue. The parent can then proceed to reengage with their child in a more effective style of communication.

Finding Light in the Holidays

2011-12-21T18:50:23Z

The holiday season is thought to be a jubilant, festive time of year. But for many people who have experienced a significant loss, whether that loss is a death, loss of health, divorce, or any event that has led to feelings of grief, the holidays bring with them reminders of what was and what could have been. These two thoughts can create guilt and/or depression, the most difficult emotions to conquer in the grieving process. So how can someone make it through this time of year in a meaningful way, not just by going through the motions and yearning for it to finally be over? While the answer to this is individual, we can draw from the holidays themselves as examples of how light, both literally and metaphorically, can provide for us a way to remember, to honor, and to celebrate our lives, our past, and our future.

The holidays celebrated during December – Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa – all incorporate the use of light. The origin of Christmas lights is that the Christmas star represented G-d’s fulfillment of His promise to provide the Savior to the world. Christmas lights are meant to be a reminder of the meaning of Christmas and the spirit of joyfulness G-d bestowed upon the world. Hanukkah is the Festival of Lights. The Menorah (candle holder) is lit to remember and honor the miracle of the oil that lasted for eight days during the rededication of the Temple during the time of the Maccabees (2^nd century BCE). The light is meant to be seen from outside of people’s homes to remind everyone of the miracle of the oil that had only been meant to last one day. Kwanzaa is a seven day celebration of African American culture and unity. The Kinara (candle holder) represents the ancestral African people and the Mishumaa Saba (the seven candles that are lit) symbolize the seven principles and values that African Americans are encouraged to live by. Diwali is another significant Festival of Light (this year Diwali was in October). Also, Ramadan celebrations typically include lanterns and lights in the streets (this year Ramadan was in the summer).

The holidays incorporate light as a metaphor for a deeper meaning or tradition. The flickering flames of candles or the glow of festive lighting create a reaction in people that triggers feelings of warmth, comfort, and youthful delight. How can this carry over for someone who feels very much in the dark during this time of year? There is of course the use of light through festive lighting or candles that can help remind and honor the past in a personal sense as it is meant to do in the Holiday metaphors. Many people will light a candle to honor and remember someone or something that was lost. A favorite ornament or way of decorating the house with lights to feel closer to someone no longer home to share in the holiday is another (many parents feel significant loss after their youngest children leave the family home and maintain traditions that their children loved to feel closer to them during the holidays).

There is also an inner light, a nurturing of the soul, that can be sparked, or if already ignited, made brighter. Everyone is different, and the fire within each of us burns in a different rhythm and is fed by different things. However, there are things that most people find to be good kindling for this fire within. The first is to give to others, to find someone else that can benefit from what you have to give – whether it is sharing a good cry with a friend, bringing your leftovers from a restaurant to a homeless person on the street, or volunteering your time to a worthwhile, and pertinent, organization or movement. Sharing your time, your self, and your heart with another person can warm your spirit in ways that are immeasurable.

The second, and in my opinion the most important, is to validate and respect the emotions you are experiencing, while also making room for new and positive emotions minus the guilt or negative self talk. What does this mean? Well, it’s different for everyone, but basically this means that sadness and hurt and anger, while horrible to feel, are sometimes necessary. Feeling these emotions does not mean that you are limited from also experiencing joy and laughter. Many people find themselves avoiding situations like holiday parties where they are fearful of being happy and therefore feeling guilty for feeling happy. You can be sad for a loss and still deserve moments of happiness too.

Ultimately, it is up to you to determine what will create a light within you during the holidays, what will provide you with warmth and comfort. Find your light in the darkness and feed that light throughout the holidays and search for ways to keep that light going throughout the whole year.

Can we disagree to agree?

2011-10-27T17:38:36Z

Is this familiar: how can we agree on anything when we are so different in our communication and coping styles? In order for communication to be effective, there must be a grey area when two people communicate in polar opposite ways. As an example, consider Bob and Mary. Bob is very reactionary. He confronts situations as they happen with a need to verbally explore his feelings and work through them with Mary during the height of conflict. Mary is more reserved. She prefers to avoid conflict at all cost, even to the point of bottling up her emotion and never truly expressing the way she felt about the situation that created conflict. Their difference in communication and style of handling conflict only further escalates the situation. So where can they meet in the middle? They must first accept that no one can change someone else. People must desire change and create change for themselves. So, Bob and Mary have to understand that they can only have control of how they react in any situation and that the other person will naturally prefer a style different from their own. Once this is clear, and they agree that they will always disagree with the way the other person prefers to handle conflict, they can choose to make concessions that would lead them toward a mutually respectful and effective middle ground for communication. This will depend upon the work both people are willing to invest and on the needs of the particular situation. For Bob and Mary, they agree to allow a period of time to lapse between the situation that has created conflict and having a discussion about their feelings, however they do commit to having this conversation after they are able to remain calm and more in control of how they will express themselves. Both gave room for the other person’s coping and communication style to be respected, however, they both also are fulfilling the needs that they have in their own method of coping and communication.