When a Friend is Grieving

What do you say to a friend who has lost someone? Often times, when we are trying to comfort a friend, we say things that are cliché or do not come across the way we intend. In my experience with people who are grieving, one common example of this is when a friend says, “you are so strong”. If you have said this in the past, do not jump to the conclusion that this was wrong – it’s very important to note that everyone is different in their grief, in the way they wish to receive comfort, and in the path they must take toward healing and acceptance. Also, many people are able to reflect back and agree that they were in fact strong to be able to cope with loss. However, in the beginning stages of grief, many people have said that although they know their friend was trying to comfort them with these words, they felt held to an expectation that they could not fulfill. By hearing that they were strong, the person wondered if they should be displaying more signs of grief, they wondered if others around them were not seeing how much pain they were experiencing. So what do you say to a friend when you can’t find the words? Well, that’s exactly it - there are no right words to express sympathy. Being there for someone is the most important thing you can do, sometimes without saying anything. If you are able, offering to assist your friend with cooking, cleaning, taking them to the movies, shopping, or other distractions can be very helpful. Telling them that you are there to listen to them and that they can cry, talk, laugh, share, whatever they feel they need to do is an excellent way to show that you care. If you are writing a card, you may find quotes from historic or famous people or from religious or spiritual texts. You can look online or call a local funeral home or a place of worship for suggestions. Most grieving people enjoy hearing stories about their loved one and find comfort in knowing that their loved one is not forgotten. Creating a memory book with stories or pictures on your own or with a group of people is a great way of showing your friend that you miss their loved one too and feel for them. Unfortunately, many people are so fearful that they might make their friend cry or say the wrong thing that they avoid their friend after their loss. Please know that everyone I have encountered who was grieving felt the worst when this happened, they were thankful for the friends that stayed close, even the friends who said things that didn’t come across the right way since they knew deep down that the friend was trying their best to be there for them. If your friend initiates conversation about their loved one, do not be afraid to talk about the person who is gone – it is healthy and necessary for your grieving friend to cry or to feel sad. They say that you find out who your true friends are when things are bad. All a friend needs to do to help a friend during a time of grief is just to be there.