Protecting Children through Divorce

There are many factors that predict to what level a child will adjust post-divorce. Some of those factors are beyond control, such as age, gender, and personality / coping skills. But there are things that parents CAN do to minimize the effects of divorce on their children.

What causes difficulty for children in their adjustment post-divorce?

- Feelings of loss and grief: Some examples of loss that children may experience are a loss of their family unit, the loss of one parent when they move out despite ongoing contact, the loss of their home if both parents move, the loss of “normalcy”, loss of routine and a change in everyday life.

- Stress: children will experience stress during and after divorce in the form of financial stress particularly if the lifestyle they are accustomed to is effected; guilty feelings because most children (and teenagers) believe that they are the cause of the divorce or they could have prevented it and guilty feelings about their other feelings such as anger; daily living stress such as changes in schools, routines, living environment and moving from one house to another; familial stress with extended family members and also with friends of the family; parental stress when one or both parents is not coping well or when a parent is unaccustomed to caring for the children independent of the other parent during their initial time sharing; and stress in the form of fear of abandonment (if one parent left, what if both leave?).

- Exposure to parental conflict: the most often discussed factor in a child’s adjustment to divorce is the level of exposure to parental conflict. This includes fighting that is witnessed by the children, but also to a great degree includes putting the children in the middle, whether intentional or unintentional. In fact, children in non-conflictual divorced families have been shown to be more well adjusted than children in married highly conflictual families. When parents initially divorce, there may be a high level of conflict, however it is the parents responsibility to minimize this conflict, particularly regarding the children, and to model appropriate behavior and conflict resolution skills for their children. If parents are not able to come to agreements or manage their conflict, then parents owe it to their children to get help to make this possible – this is how children are safeguarded from the most severe effects of divorce – by keeping the children out of and away from the parental conflict.

What can parents do to minimize the negative effects of divorce on their children?

- Let your children be children: do not rely on them for input or emotional support, regardless of age. (this is known as the over-burdened child phenomena)

- Provide psychosocial support to children – either through psychotherapy or therapeutic programs geared toward children of divorce.

- Discuss separation and divorce with your children as early on as possible: many children are shocked to find out their parent’s are divorcing, allowing a more gradual process is preferable. If the divorce has already occurred, discussing what divorce is and that the children are not at fault is important. Regardless of the stage of separation or divorce, if both parents can discuss with the children together, this will allow the opportunity for the children to ask questions that both parents can answer, supporting for the children that they are not to blame and that both parents are onboard to help them in their adjustment. Parents should gently, but firmly, reinforce the finality of divorce to discourage reunification fantasies which can give children false hope and lead to a more drastic loss when the reunification fails to happen. Reunification fantasies are common and likely, but should be discouraged in a gentle manner. (parents meeting together with the children can be done with one parent on the phone if necessary, but parents MUST NOT engage in ANY conflict or fighting when talking together to the children). Children need to be told that despite the separation and possibly the change in living arrangements, that their parents will continue to be their parents and that they will continue to be loved and cared for by both.

- If one parent will no longer remain involved in the child’s life, discussing the divorce with the child and reminding them that this is not their fault is still crucial. It is also imperative that the remaining parent refrain from talking badly about the parent who chose to leave, despite how difficult this may be.

- Parents should separate their own issues from their parenting issues – meaning discussions about child rearing should be dealt with separately from discussions about money and other highly conflictual issues that do not involve the children when possible. Parents should make every attempt to reach agreements about how the children will be raised, their routines, discipline (which should be consistent between homes if time sharing), rewards, and activities of daily living such as school, doctor, and extracurricular activities.

- If possible, try to minimize as many changes for children as possible. When possible, make efforts to keep their routine, school, extracurriculars, playdates, doctors, and so on the same.

- Model good behavior: show your children how you effectively manage stress and conflict. Do not speak poorly about their other parent in front of your children – they view this as a reflection of themselves (ie: if my parent is bad and I am made up from ½ of my parent, then I must be bad too). Keep your children as far from parental conflict as possible. If you need help doing this or if you feel the other parent needs help doing this, suggest that you go to a family counselor for parental counseling or a parenting coordinator for assistance in implementing your parenting plan.

- Never ask your children questions that put them in the middle, such as interrogating them about their visit with their other parent or general questions about what the other parent is doing. Don’t put children in parentified positions – for example it is a lot of pressure and stress for a 9 year old boy to be told he is now the man of the house, instead affirm for him that he is a child and is expected to continue to be one.

- Never use visitation as a bargaining tool – do not hold visitation over the other parent’s head and do not use visitation or time sharing as a weapon or method of spying on the other parent. Children deserve to have both parents in their lives if possible. If you do not have real concerns about the other parent’s ability to be a good parent, than time sharing should be encouraged by both parents. When possible, both parents should support a positive relationship for the children and the other parent.