Deflecting Stigma Part 2

We left off in the last blog wondering what you do when someone confronts you with a stigmatized attitude. There are an infinite number of ways to deflect stigma. The focus of this blog is utilizing the strategy that I find to typically be most effective for ensuring your own emotional coping with the situation as well as getting the point across to the other person that they are being inappropriate without creating tension. So what is this incredibly effective tool… humor! Humor can be used to diffuse a negative situation in many ways. The only caution with this is to avoid what could be perceived as a personal attack through humor directed at the other person or regarding a stereotype. An effective way to use humor is to direct the humor toward yourself or the actual situation. An example of this is the popular slogan, “cancer sucks” (also the name of an organization). Another amazing example of using humor to deflect stigma directly related to the previous blog is the following quote from one of the most amazing people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, let alone working with. In response to the question of “you have cancer…do you smoke?”, he would reply, “no, but I have sex”. This quip was successful in making anyone and everyone laugh and additionally informed the person delivering the stigmatized question that what they asked was not only irrelevant, but inappropriate, without causing hurt feelings. Do you have any examples of how you have previously used humor to deflect stigma or can you think of an instance when you would? Sometimes just thinking about it can bring a smile to your face and after all, laughter is the best medicine, so please practice often!



"Oh you have cancer...do you smoke?" Stigma and Cancer Diagnosis

Stigma is a powerful force in how people perceive others and how people perceive themselves. Collective stereotypical thought, for example, of people diagnosed with lung cancer is to automatically assume that the person smoked and therefore (eek) deserves it? Or knew that cancer would be a likely outcome? It may not just be others that think this when someone is diagnosed, the person may stigmatize themselves, causing feelings of shame, guilt, remorse, and anger. Well, before we can go waving the naughty finger at people (or ourselves), it’s important to recognize when we are speaking and thinking from a stigmatized viewpoint and to educate ourselves as to whether this has any validity and whether the stigmatized viewpoint really matters (yeah, so the person smoked, we all have our vices don’t we?….doesn’t mean they deserve or wanted cancer, now does it?). The fact of the matter is that lung cancer is the second most common form of cancer to be diagnosed in both men and women according to the American Lung Association. Additionally, it is the most lethal form of cancer according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. While smoking, whether current or in the past, is considered the highest risk factor, there are other risk factors too, including genetics and exposure to chemicals such as radon and asbestos. There is also a statistically significant number of women who are diagnosed with lung cancer who have never smoked according to the National Cancer Institute. The causes of cancer, in this case lung cancer, are important in preventing cancer. However, once a cancer diagnosis has been made, the reason why the person was diagnosed is only relevant for suggesting a change in lifestyle to promote longevity (such as quitting smoking if the person does smoke), for the person and the person’s family to question as part of a natural grieving process over the loss of their health, and for others to speculate why it happened to that person as a means of stigmatization or as a means of assuring themselves that the person got cancer for a reason that is not associated with themselves, thereby enabling them to believe that the same thing couldn’t happen to them too. It’s scary – basically everyone either has had cancer themselves, has had a family member that had cancer, or knows someone who has had cancer. While it is easy to think that someone knowingly did something specific that caused their cancer diagnosis, it just isn’t true. Many smokers reference family members who lived long lives as a reason why they are okay with smoking, that cancer won’t happen to them. Is this denial, well probably, but it’s not for us to judge. We can encourage the people we care about not to smoke, but people will not make changes until they are ready to change for themselves – you can not MAKE someone quit smoking, but you can support them if they choose to stop smoking. We could all take preventative measures to ensure our health and smoking is a dangerous lifestyle choice that can have serious consequences, but so is driving a car, especially with no seatbelt, or eating fatty foods that we know are bad for us. The key factor is that these are choices – smoking and other lifestyle habits that are risky are choices people make, but getting cancer is not something that is chosen by anyone. It is easy to throw stones and blame someone for the choices they have made, but we’d better check that glass house of ours first. It is also so important to remember that just because someone has a particular diagnosis does not mean that they engaged in the risky behaviors associated with that diagnosis – not all lung cancer patients were smokers or lived with a smoker! Don’t let stigma get the better of you!! So what do you do if someone is stigmatizing you? Find out in my next blog inspired by a courageous and inspirational man how you can use humor to deflect stigmatization.



Letter Writing

Many of us, at some point in our lives, have kept a journal or used writing in some other type of therapeutic capacity. In doing so, you may have noticed how writing can be an effective tool for processing your feelings by getting them out there on the paper. One way to take this a step further is to try letter writing. When you have feelings directly associated with another person, try writing the person a letter. You can choose whether to send it to them, throw it out, file it away, burn it, tear it up, or put it in a bottle and send it off to sea. Here are three examples from my experience that are great illustrations of this process (identifying information has been modified for privacy). The first example was a young woman who had been working under a supervisor who she felt was incompetent. She wrote a letter to him, explaining how his actions affect her and the work that they do. In the letter, she “let him have it” in ways that she never felt able to do in person. Before writing this letter, she hadn’t been aware of how angry she felt towards him and towards herself as she occasionally felt pressured to follow his lead in situations that made her question her own understanding of how to properly do her job. By getting her feelings and her anger out, she was able to move past many of the situations that had caused her to feel anxious at work and uncertain about herself and her capabilities. Exploring her anger allowed her to separate herself and her work decisions from his poor supervisory abilities in subsequent work experiences. She decided to keep the letter on her computer in case she ever needed to read it again. The second example was a woman who had lost her Aunt the year before. She had been unable to release herself of guilty feelings related to the last time she spoke to her. They had spent the evening with family when she had a disagreement with a cousin. Because she was angry at the time, she said goodbye quickly to her family with a brief hug and a “see ya soon”. When she found out her Aunt had died, she was heartbroken that she hadn’t said goodbye properly, that she hadn’t hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, and said “I love you” which was the norm for their family. In her letter to her Aunt, she expressed her regret and was able to say goodbye to her Aunt in a way that she found more acceptable. She chose to attach her letter to a balloon and release it into the sky. This was a beautiful event and was the step she needed to begin her process of healing. The third example was an older man who was diagnosed with a terminal illness. Although he wanted to tell his wife and adult children so many important things, he was scared that his time to say everything he needed to say would be limited by time spent in treatment, by appropriate timing for such a conversation, and by the emotional nature that would surround these conversations. He wrote letters to them instead, describing in detail how he felt towards them, what they had brought to his life, and the future he dreamed of for each of them. He put these letters in a box and asked his wife to safeguard it until his passing. These letters were so important to his family. They provided his family with comfort, with love, and with an immeasurable amount of insight into the heart and mind of their beloved husband and father. I encourage everyone to write letters, whether they are meant to be read, or meant to be used as a vehicle of externalizing feelings. Letter writing is a powerful tool that can give the writer power to explore relationships, events, and situations in a new way. So grab those pens or laptops and get writing!



Belly Breathing

Life is stressful – most of the time, we rush through our days without taking a moment to pause. Some people are not even really sure how to pause or what they can do to slow down. A combination of our go-go-go mentality and other stressors create a tendency to breathe with the chest muscles instead of the diaphragm. When we experience anxiety or stress, we breathe with shallow, quick breaths that can cause our bodies to go into fight or flight mode, which is great in an emergency, but not so great over time if we are in this mode consistently. The brain releases chemicals into the body to prepare to fight or to flee which can cause a person to feel anxious, jittery, and even more stressed if this energy is not released. When an issue resolves and someone takes a deep breathe or sighs, it signals the body that it can relax. Using this knowledge, you can do deep breathing using your diaphragm to create a peaceful and relaxed state within the body. This type of breathing is called belly breathing and is often taught to people as a technique to counter anxiety and stress and also to increase energy. Numerous research studies have shown the benefit of using this breathing technique to reduce stress, lower blood pressure over time, and reduce physiological symptoms of stress such as headaches. Here is how you do it:

Find a position you are comfortable in, it does not matter if you are sitting, standing, or laying down (which means you can do this anywhere).

Think only about your breathing. Let other thoughts fade into the background. Allow the sound of your breathe to become the only thing you can hear.

Lengthen your torso as much as possible. Many people like to use imagery and imagine a string running up from the top of their head pulling them up or imagine themselves as a flower reaching for the sun.

Place one hand on your belly.

Breathe in slowly imagining that there is a balloon in your belly that is blowing up with your inhale.  Fill your lungs as full as you can and pause for a second before exhaling.

Breathe out at an equally slow rate and imagine the balloon deflating. Squeeze your stomach slightly to empty the lungs completely.

With each breathe, try to slow the rate of breathing more if you can – the exhale should take longer than the inhale.

If at any time you begin to feel lightheaded, you should practice this breathing technique sitting or laying down only. Also, if you slow your breathing more, you may no longer feel lightheaded when you do this exercise.

After practicing this breathing technique and becoming more comfortable with it, you can add an additional element. On your exhale, allow your mouth to open and let out a gentle “ahhh” or "oohhmm" sound, slow and controlled.

This type of breathing is the basis for meditation and many eastern exercises such as yoga. Practice often and in time, you will feel more peace, balance, and relaxation in your life – Enjoy!

When a Friend is Grieving

What do you say to a friend who has lost someone? Often times, when we are trying to comfort a friend, we say things that are cliché or do not come across the way we intend. In my experience with people who are grieving, one common example of this is when a friend says, “you are so strong”. If you have said this in the past, do not jump to the conclusion that this was wrong – it’s very important to note that everyone is different in their grief, in the way they wish to receive comfort, and in the path they must take toward healing and acceptance. Also, many people are able to reflect back and agree that they were in fact strong to be able to cope with loss. However, in the beginning stages of grief, many people have said that although they know their friend was trying to comfort them with these words, they felt held to an expectation that they could not fulfill. By hearing that they were strong, the person wondered if they should be displaying more signs of grief, they wondered if others around them were not seeing how much pain they were experiencing. So what do you say to a friend when you can’t find the words? Well, that’s exactly it - there are no right words to express sympathy. Being there for someone is the most important thing you can do, sometimes without saying anything. If you are able, offering to assist your friend with cooking, cleaning, taking them to the movies, shopping, or other distractions can be very helpful. Telling them that you are there to listen to them and that they can cry, talk, laugh, share, whatever they feel they need to do is an excellent way to show that you care. If you are writing a card, you may find quotes from historic or famous people or from religious or spiritual texts. You can look online or call a local funeral home or a place of worship for suggestions. Most grieving people enjoy hearing stories about their loved one and find comfort in knowing that their loved one is not forgotten. Creating a memory book with stories or pictures on your own or with a group of people is a great way of showing your friend that you miss their loved one too and feel for them. Unfortunately, many people are so fearful that they might make their friend cry or say the wrong thing that they avoid their friend after their loss. Please know that everyone I have encountered who was grieving felt the worst when this happened, they were thankful for the friends that stayed close, even the friends who said things that didn’t come across the right way since they knew deep down that the friend was trying their best to be there for them. If your friend initiates conversation about their loved one, do not be afraid to talk about the person who is gone – it is healthy and necessary for your grieving friend to cry or to feel sad. They say that you find out who your true friends are when things are bad. All a friend needs to do to help a friend during a time of grief is just to be there.