Take a Time Out!

“I get so mad at him and then we both start screaming, say things we don’t mean, and never solve the problem that got us to that point in the first place.” I hear this barrier to communication regularly from people who I work with. When two people are caught up in proving that they are right, to the extent that they become heated, no one hears the other person’s perspective, nor do they effectively communicate their own point of view. So what do you do? Give yourself, and the other person, a time out – take a walk, go in separate rooms, whatever gives you both time to cool off and think before you engage with one another (although I wouldn’t recommend driving!). This amount of time will vary depending on the people involved and the intensity of the issue causing the disagreement. Have a code word when you feel a conversation is escalating beyond a manageable level and respect that code word if the other person calls it, even if you don’t agree. Then take the time apart to reflect on what specifically you want to express to the other person. Figure out what pieces of your position are fairly rigid and what pieces may be flexible. When you both have settled down and you are ready to discuss the issue, truly listen to what the other person has to say. Don’t plan what you will say next when the other person is talking. Acknowledge elements that you do agree with and wait until the other person finishes their point before making yours. Many disagreements are best solved by meeting somewhere in the middle. It is less common for one person to be completely right and the other to be totally wrong.

The practice of taking a time out works not only in conflict between two adults, but is also effective for parents when they are having a problem communicating a difference of opinion without escalating with their children. I have seen this process work with children as young as three years old all the way up to adult children who are having disagreements with their elderly parents. It is an excellent example for a child or teen to see their parent control their anger and frustration by taking the time to separate for a moment, organize their thoughts, then be able to listen to their child’s perspective of the situation and effectively communicate their own perspective. With children, the parent’s time out does not necessarily have to be a physical separation. If a parent needs a minute to avoid losing control and escalating, they can have a process that is explained the child during a non-conflictual time where the child will know that when the parent says they need a time-out, or any other phrase they choose to call it (I worked with one Mother who called this time a “Mommy Minute”), that the child will need to refrain from engaging with or speaking to the parent until the parent says they are ready to continue. The parent can then proceed to reengage with their child in a more effective style of communication.